Tips for Dealing with Unsupportive Siblings
Written by:
Jeffrey Grossman
Published:
March 25th, 2024
When siblings don't help with elderly parents, the weight of responsibility often falls on one sibling. This dynamic can leave the primary Caregiver feeling not just burned out from the relentless demands of caregiving but isolated and filled with resentment towards their siblings. It's a situation full of emotional complexity, leading to heated conflicts and strained family relationships.
If you find yourself in this pivotal and often stressful position, caring for your elderly parents with little to no help from your siblings, this blog is crafted with you in mind.
Through this blog, we hope to provide you with the resources and insights to find a path forward that includes more support, less stress, and a better balance between caregiving and living your own life. You’re not alone in this. Let’s explore how you can ensure your elderly parents receive the care they need while also taking care of yourself.
Which Sibling Should Take Care of Parents?
A common point of tension during family arguments about taking care of aging parents is which sibling should take care of parents.
Should the oldest take on the Caregiver role, simply because they’re the firstborn? Or should it be the sibling who lives nearest, for convenience? Shouldn’t the responsibility fall to a sister/daughter, following traditional caregiving roles? Or what about the child who’s considered the “favorite” since they might have a stronger connection?
These questions often arise during a sibling conflict over elderly parents’ care.
The reality is that there's no formula for determining which sibling should take care of parents. Families come in all shapes and sizes, with varying dynamics, capacities, and circumstances influencing how aging parents are cared for and by whom.
That said, a single sibling shouldn’t carry the weight of caregiving alone, feeling abandoned by siblings during a parent’s illness—this is a recipe for Caregiver sibling resentment.
Understanding Caregiver Sibling Resentment
When siblings don't help with elderly parents, leaving a sole sibling as the primary Caregiver, Caregiver sibling resentment begins to build.
Caregiver sibling resentment is more than just frustration over having to manage more tasks; it's the feeling of being unsupported and sometimes outright abandoned by siblings when unity and cooperation are most needed. This resentment can stem from various factors, including:
Perceived indifference: When one sibling feels that the others don’t appreciate the extent of the caregiving responsibilities or the sacrifices they’re making.
Actual indifference: When siblings are genuinely disengaged from the caregiving situation, showing little to no interest in what’s happening to their aging parents.
Lack of communication: Misunderstandings or lack of clear communication about the needs of their parents and the expectations from each sibling.
Historical family dynamics: Long-standing rivalries within the family can exacerbate feelings of resentment, and discussing a parent’s care can reignite old conflicts.
The consequences of unchecked Caregiver sibling resentment can affect not just the relationships between siblings but also the quality of care provided to their elderly parents. Sibling conflicts over elderly parents put mothers and fathers in an awkward position, too, making them feel like a burden as everyone argues about their care.
While equalizing the caregiving responsibilities between siblings may seem like the right solution, that role doesn’t have to fall on any sibling. In fact, removing family dynamics from the equation could be the best decision yet. Before jumping to that option, let’s review how you can try to engage your siblings in the caregiving process.
What to Do When Siblings Don’t Help with Elderly Parents
When siblings don't help with elderly parents, it can leave you feeling trapped caring for elderly parents alone. However, there are strategic and compassionate steps you can take to support your well-being while ensuring your parents receive the necessary care.
Start with a Heart-to-Heart
A good first step is to sit down for a serious heart-to-heart with your siblings. It’s key to talk openly and honestly but not to point fingers. Instead, focus on sharing what you're going through—the day-to-day realities of caregiving and how it’s affecting you physically and emotionally. Your siblings may not realize how much work you're doing or the level of care your parents need.
Spell Out What You Need
If your siblings are open to hearing more and helping in some way, be clear about the kind of help (and how much of it) you need. Whether it's financial support, time spent with your parents, or assistance with specific tasks, outlining exactly what’s needed can help your siblings understand how they can contribute.
Divide and Conquer
Work as a team, not as opponents. Try to divide responsibilities based on each sibling's skill sets, resources, and circumstances. One sibling might be better at handling finances, while another can accompany your parents to doctor's appointments and update the family. Keep in mind that everyone’s contributions might look different but are each valuable, so gratefully accept whatever help your siblings offer to provide.
Seek External Support
If your conversations haven’t produced any change and you’re still dealing with unsupportive siblings, it might be time to seek help outside the family. External support from a home care agency can be especially helpful. They can develop a comprehensive care plan customized to your parent’s needs and personal preferences, ensuring your mother and/or father receive the right care level.
Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself during this time is essential. Caregiver burnout is real, and without proper self-care, your health and well-being can suffer. Ensure you're taking time for yourself to decompress, relax, and rejuvenate. Respite care is a great option for family Caregivers who need to take a much-needed break from their ongoing responsibilities.
Finally, recognize that you can't force your siblings to contribute if they're unwilling or unable to do so. Focus on what you can control—providing the best care possible for your parents and relying on other support systems to help lighten the load.
If you’re a family Caregiver dealing with unsupportive siblings, contact Commonwise Home Care.
Get Help Taking Care of Aging Parents
Choosing the right home care provider is crucial for ensuring your elderly parents receive the compassionate, professional care they deserve while giving you the peace of mind and support you need. Commonwise Home Care stands out as a premier choice for families seeking exceptional in-home care services.
We understand that the foundation of high-quality home care lies in the expertise and compassion of Caregivers. By paying premium wages, meticulously selecting Caregivers, and investing in a robust back-office support team, Commonwise ensures Caregivers are valued, clients are supported, and families are at ease.
As life changes and your needs evolve, so do we. Whether you’re working full-time and need 24-hour senior care or simply want to go on vacation and need someone to step in, we can be there for you and your parents. Our Care Team is ready to be the support system you’ve been looking for.
Find care today by sending us a message.